My friends – my long journey through this sick and twisted existence has culminated in this moment of incontrovertible truth.
A truth that has soaked into every cell of my Yetinsyn body and has become the lubricating colon blaster for my soul.
Friends – I come before you this day a changed man, with a soaring heart and stupid grin – with the scars from a lifelong battle against the oppressive machine of the Conspiracy.
I stand before you with firsthand accounts of Slackful gains, shocking nuggets of wisdom, dripping recounts of Glandscaping sessions and raging contempt for the pathetic masses of pink pestilence.
And none of it would have been possible without the teachings of J.R. “Bob” Dobbs!
As I look around at my fellow mutants, I smile with the knowledge that “Bob’s” pipe overflows with only the finest Frop and oodles of Slack – and Wotan be praised; the chimes of the Cha-Ching reverberate across the inky cosmos.
Our collective mutations are a beacon for “Bob’s” mighty luck to shine – no matter how much the Conspiracy tries to hold us down…
No matter how much the Conspiracy tries to drag us down…
No matter how much the Conspiracy tries to tie us down…
No matter how much the Conspiracy tries to tear us down – “Bob” will show us the way!
Have you been singled out due to your mutation – the Conspiracy plunging its filthy claws deep into your soul – ripping from it any vestige of individuality – any potential spark of abnormality?
Have you sold your soul to the 9-to-5 demon money handlers – suffering at the whims of sadistic jackholes given undeserved authority over your mind and pocketbook – taking all the credit for your hard work?
Do you feel yourself being drug down into the depths of the Conspiracy machine – feeling yourself being pulverized into a quivering pile of pink shit?
My friends – I have suffered this torment.
Yes, friends – I too was slowly being lulled into the glaze eyed flock of sheeple, blissfully bleating away while being led to the slaughterhouse…
…If not for “Bob!”
Through “Bob” I have found the everlasting fuel for my hatred!
Through “Bob” I have found the lens to focus that hatred into a perfect odium beam!
Through “Bob” I have found the trigger to discharge my big fucking gun of mutant rage!
Through “Bob” I have found the targeting system to track and eradicate the curse of Po’Bucker pussies!
I have repented for my heathen ways – I quit that soul crushing joke of a job!
Friends – do you have what it takes to follow the path of least resistance – to bring the Sultan of Sales into your mind, body and wallet?
Do you have the perfect hate coursing through your veins – that pure hatred that knows no color, creed, ideology, sex or sexual orientation?
That burning contempt for the plague of pink eyed fist lovers dragging you down into the bowels of their self made perdition?
There is only one way to cleanse the pallet of the retched taste from dealing with the legions of slack-jawed, dopey dipshits.
Only one path to divine Slack and the incalculable death of species waste and the destruction of this planet.
And that’s J.R. “Bob” Dobbs!
For it was “Bob” who sold a Dollar Inn to God and convinced Him it was Heaven!
For it was “Bob” who fucked Mother Theresa because she answered the door!
For it was “Bob” who told Sarah Palin to get that first abortion!
Embrace the teachings of “Bob” – embrace your abnormality – and never again sell out for a piece of that pink pie – and I’m not talking about the yummy, meaty, squishy kind either.