I am The Very Esteemed Universal Philosopher of Absolute Reality Reverend Frodis Pshaw -- Co-Founder of Assembly of the Flaming Carpet (A.o.t.F.C.) -- the 28th Day AdBobtist movement, Professor of Audiophilic Mixology at the Apocalypsholoic branch of the Dobbsian Mentalodge of Sanctimonious Conditioning – the Mental Cleansers and Disinfectants of the Elder Days, and student of the teachings of one J.R. "Bob" Dobbs.
– you may call me Rev. “Suds.”
And by the power of Wotan, I am pleased bring to you the Assembly of the Flaming Carpet (A.o.t.F.C.).
SubGenii come from all walks of life – all are abnormal by nature, and all embrace the teachings of J. R. “Bob” Dobbs and his war on those Conspiracy Pinks who try to rob us of our Slack – but along with these tenets, members of the A.o.t.F.C., whether they be man, woman, or one of those swinging’ alien mutants, hold high praise of the almighty Veneris Flambé – so long as the carpet matches the drapes. The A.o.t.F.C. is the ONLY schism of the Church of the SubGenius dedicated to the continuation of cunning linguist studies in reverence to Connie’s Glowing Gash.
Founded by myself and the MoFo of Mojo, Pastor Phister Gagghōl – Minister of Music, Madness & Mayhem, The Assembly of the Flaming Carpet, in no way wish to simply ‘enslave’ the Pinks for menial labor, experimentation, human sacrifice and sexual exploitation – nor do we strive to outright exterminate the whole race of Pinks: we at the A.o.t.F.C. simply don’t care one way or another, since we will be on the Xists’ spaceships getting our eternal freak on with the ÜberSexGodesses anyway.
In regards to X-Day, members of the A.o.t.F.C. believe –- and this appears to be the main difference between us and the Father Church –– that the end times foretold by Dobbs have already come to pass. Some SubGenius believe that X-Day is still coming and could be here anytime, since using the Conspiracy calendar as a point of reference is wholly unreliable. Some believe that we simply got the date wrong, or read the memo upside-down or some silly nonsense like that.
We at the A.o.t.F.C. believe, in fact, that July 5th, 1998 truly HAS come and gone, but due to a nasty twist of fate, the Xists and the Yists are locked in what could only be described as a “Mexican Standoff,” both sides hovering over our planet with cannons at the ready, preparing to annihilate each other and taking ALL OF US with them!
Of course “Bob,” being the opportunist that He is, has convinced both sides to simply kick back – SLACK OFF – and enjoy the SubGenii spectacle of subversions and of all major global events, gleefully pissing themselves at the exploits of the moronic masses of Pink pestilence, while a naked Connie serves hors d'oeuvres while wearing her sacred strap-on,
The Assembly of the Flaming Carpet wishes to set itself apart of the “norm” of “abnormality" – So long as the teachings of J. R. “Bob” Dobbs shows us the Paths of Least Resistance, we shall resist the Conspiracy at every turn!
We will pick the pockets of the Pinks dry!
AND WE WILL HAVE SLACK!!!
PRAISE GOD DAMN “BOB!!!
Eternal salvation is here with a TRIPLE your money back guarantee! How can you beat this deal of an afterlifetime?!!
The Conspiracy will do it’s damnedest to squelch the teachings of J. R. “Bob” Dobbs – but we will continue to get louder and more obnoxious than ever!
QUIT YOUR JOB!
THE WORLD ENDS TOMORROW AND YOU MAY DIE!!!!
Till next time, this has been the good Rev. “Suds” Pshaw
May “Bob” bless and keep your pocket book